Have one ON ME

You know you could play bartender at your own party. There are inherent advantages to this arrangement. For one, you will not have to work the room –your guests, especially the lushes among them, will come to you. Moreover, we all know the ladies open up more readily to a man behind the bar. You could precipitate this candor with lines like, “I kept the best vintage for you.” It works most of the time, especially when the curvy, full-lipped recipient is too sloshed to hear a word you’re saying.

First, you must arm yourself with the weapons of mass inebriation. The Boston Shaker consists of a mixing glass and a stainless steel cover. It is used to prepare hard-to-mix drinks, to ensure the drink is cold when poured, and to create a maracas-like sound when “Let me Blow Ya Mind” is played.

Next in importance is the Hawthorne Strainer used to prevent ice and other undesirables from being poured into drink. A mixing glass is where stirred (not shaken) drinks are combined. Measuring devices – double jiggers, measuring spoons, speed pourers, graduated shot glasses – are indispensable, although it is very cool to appear like you are mixing a drink using gut feel rather than science.

Other essentials are the waiter’s wine opener ( a corkscrew with a short blade used to cut away the foil or wax seal that covers the cork – never ever use this to open champagne bottles, vulgarian ), a bar spoon ( long-handled spoon for stirring drinks), a blender, a pitcher, and a big ice bucket. Then there is the assorted glassware like shot, cocktail, high-ball, old-fashioned, and wine glasses. Oh, and the brandy snifter.

Still thinking of tending your own bar? I see you’re a persistent one. Let’s talk garnish, then-wheels, slices and wedges; olives, cocktail onions, maraschino cherries, and celery stalks. I’ll spare you the syrups.

Listen, the trick is to keep the things simple. Constrain yourself to just two concoctions like, say, vodka martinis (shake the vodka, a dash of dry vermouth, cracked ice in a shaker then strain, serve in a chilled cocktail glass, and garnish with a stuffed olive) and margaritas (lime, Cuervo 1800, Cuervo White, Lime Juice, Bols Triple Sec, Bols Orange Curaco – flip the shaker in the air and wait for the ooohs). Otherwise, the usual suspects should be austerely partnered. Vodka and gin with tonic, scotch with soda, rum with Coke. Better yet, offer to serve your guests’ poison straight up (te-quiii-la!) or on the rocks. By the way, one memorable flourish is to frost your glasses where applicable by dipping the glass in water and placing it in a freezer for 30 minutes.

Try Pontet-Canet Vintage 2000 (an exceptional harvest year) for your red wine. It’s a bit of a splurge at over $100 a bottle, but you do get a very fruity wine with a soft finish. At $40, Sancerre Jadis Vintage 1999 is a full-bodied white wine that is crisp and buttery, with a hint of lemon. As for the bubbly, the pragmatic connoisseur suggests Billecart-Salmon Brut non-vintage champagne$50. Hey, nobody said throwing parties was cheap.

So… may your party secure legendary status. May the curvy, full-lipped woman fall for each of your well-worn lines. And may you wake up the next day clearheaded enough to remember to hire a real bartender for next year’s party. That way, if the first two hopes get dashed, at least one person will listen to your sad tale.